Tom's Passing ~ One Year Ago ~

It has been a year now since we buried Tom. I visited his grave today and took flowers to his wife. I visit the gravesite often. Always bringing my problems and needs there and I stand and listen to what he has to say. I feel he is looking out for me, just like in the old days.

Being in Love ~

I said to myself that the girl I saw yesterday in church just had to be in love. Her whole being had a kind of radiance about it. She was completely concentrated and occupied in thought. After church she mingled in the crowd outside and everyone seemed attracted to her and would light up when she looked at them and spoke. Oh how love energizes!

What Young Mothers Do ~

. . . and yesterday he learned to submerge!

News from Tamara ~

Dear Charles,
People are saying the when the guns are firing the muse is silent. In my case, apparently, it is not true. I am happy that it was not taken away from me and my soul is continuing to express herself. I hope that your soul finds the way to full expression. Reading the Bible always gives me inspiration. Years I am reading several verses every day and the reading gives me strength and continuation.

Thank you for remembering me and thinking of me.
Warmly,
Tamara

Self Restraint ~

The wise old monk's perspective said: It's not just a matter of giving something up, i.e. television. It doesn't end with making a sacrifice. We make the sacrifice for some other reason. Namely, to find ourselves. To have the quiet and rest to begin to comprehend who we are and what is going on inside ourselves.

Burying a Choir Brother ~

We sang in the choir together. Bass. He was ten years younger than I. Had lost his wife three years ago. They were very close.

Bitter Lessons ~

It must have been a bitter lesson for George W. Bush to learn. We learned it in grade school: America doesn't want a king or an absolute ruler. That's why we fought the Revolutionary War. It is ingrained in us.

Lost Gems ~

All the beautiful, beautiful things that go unseen and unheard! Like the poem I happened to hear this morning, Annabel Lee by Edgar Allen Poe -- read so feelingly by Garrick Hagon. Has that gem been lost, and only able to be found by chance, as if it were a random grain of sand along the Atlantic coast?

Sun Worship ~

Observation: When I stand looking out my window at five o'clock on these beautiful November afternoons and see the setting sun light up the western sky, I see the crows flying past and towards that light. Likewise, in the morning when the sun rises as I take my morning walk I see them coming back from the west over to the beautiful red sphere appearing at the eastern horizon.

All Saints Day ~ 2006

All Saints Day. I know a lot of them right around me. Like the mother who took her 40 year old son to the grave last week. The same mother who years ago lost one of her children when a bookshelf fell on top of him. That saddened woman who can never stop mourning. Quiet saints like she show us how to go on trusting in God. . . And maybe these too.

Rehearsal for a Concert ~ J. S. Bach ~ Mass in B minor ~

When God heard what J. S. Bach created in the Kyrie and Agnus Dei of that Mass with its entreaty "have mercy on us", He had to be so moved by the music that He, then and there, forgave all the sins of the world.

The Myriad Everyday Distractions ~

The old monk said that I should be more radical and block out all distractions. You must be silent, he said, to be able to listen to your unique life that is going inside you.

Amish ~

Look to the Amish with humble respect. It was reported that fifty percent of the people attending the funeral of the man who murdered their children in the school house were Amish. That is a lesson.

Cosmic Order Restored ~

Yesterday morning at 7 a.m. I drove to a field of flowers nearby. You cut whatever flowers you want and drop a few coins in a metal container on leaving. I wanted a bouquet of zinnias for my wife's birthday. This morning I discovered that my expensive flower shears were missing and thought I might have left them there. If that were the case, there would hardly be a chance that they were there, but I drove back anyway. Low and behold, there they were right in the middle of the path where I had left them. How many people had been there and not seen them, God only knows!

Autumn Walk ~

This morning while walking I felt my shoes swishing through the first patches of dried leaves and heard them crackle under my shoes. So now it's been one whole year already since I experienced that last. That sharp moment of awareness that time had passed.

Wedding Brunch Next Day ~

This delightful man from next door came by with his guitar and played. Any songs we could think of. Ended up by singing God Bless America. Yes, we are patriots, even if, or maybe because we disagree with the way our country is being run.

Wedding Day ~

It was in the oldest Episcopalian church in Pittsburgh. The bride is Protestant, my nephew is Greek Orthodox. The compromise was for an Orthodox marriage in an Episcopalian church. But there was no Protestant minister allowed at the altar.

It was a wonderful weekend. Three full days of celebration. One of the highlights was the couple's fourteen-month-old daughter who had just learned to walk. She led the procession out of church, hand in hand with two four-year-olds. A wedding is a joy. Seldom affairs any more. I spend much more time going to funerals. [There is one tomorrow here in Germany for an onetime student of mine.]

Enjoying Pennsylvania

Visited Harrisburg and had an excellent guided tour along with a dozen Red Hat Ladies who thought my brother and I, the only men, were real gentlemen of old. At least that's what they said in an elevator! Visited a Capuchin friar in his church in town and on hearing that I had come from Germany he served me an excellent beer. He said St. Francis would have loved it.



Then on to Lewisburg, Pa. where we dined opulenly at a time-honored Lewisburg Hotel [1834], served by polite students from neighboring Bucknell University. Next day to State College, Pa. and Penn State University. Met my nephew there. We walked and marveled at that colossal campus. Saw the enlarged football stadion where Penn State was to host Notre Dame the following day.

Exxon ~ Hagerstown, Maryland ~

While at a gasoline pump in Hagerstown, Md. I looked up and saw three hawks gliding in wide circles just off to the east. They were coasting, without a single wingbeat as if enjoying the freedom of the sky. It was about 7 a.m. and the Maryland dawn had a magnificent orange-yellow color. I parked off to the side after paying and looked again but the masters-of-flight had gone their way.

Heart of the Nation ~ Washington, D.C. ~

Stayed outside Washington, D.C. at the end of the subway system. Next morning purchased a day ticket and rode into the heart of the city at high speed. People around me seemed anxious and unfriendly. But there is a beauty in the underground stations that I have not seen in European structures. Got off at the Mall and wanted to visit the Museum of American History: it was closed for renovations. Went instead to the National Archives, passing through a delightful garden where sculptures by American artists were in place. Then to see the renovated Union Station where I imagined the whole time how bustling it was 50 years back. Lunched there and headed for the Capitol to make the reverent pilgrimage visit I have always made when in Washington. Was met there at that steps by heavily armed guards who warned not to come any closer. Pondering that, went across to the Library of Congress and after being searched, spent the last hour of that perplexing day there.

On the Road ~ Sharpsburg, Maryland ~

 

On the Pennsylvania Border

Spent the first week of my stay on the road with my brother seeing small-town America. Drove south in Pennsylvania crossing over into Maryland where I wanted to visit the Antietam battlefield. Had read a book about that last year [Stephen Spears] and was so taken by it that it resulted in a poem. My nephew, who is a Civil War historian, spent two days with us there explaining in detail the battle as it took place, hour by hour. By coincidence it was September 17, the very day the battle took place in 1862.

Feeling Like a Terrorist ~

I never had anyone check me over as closely as they did it at the Frankfurt airport before I got on the plane. No area of the body was left unexamined. I felt as if they would only be satisfied if all of us had stripped and gone out to the plane naked. Chuckled about that as we lifting off and were getting above the clouds.

Back Home Again ~ Chicago - Pittsburgh ~

My American Airlines flight to Pittsburgh took me there by way of Chicago where I had a 4 hour layover. I didn't mind. It was delightful just to see the sit and watch the people, everyone in a hurry, not noticing that I was admiring them, the first Americans I have seen in a long time. Just the sight of them made me feel that we are a breed of our own, different than Europeans. Some light-footedness, some ease, some freer rein. And they were all speaking my American language.

On the Way to the Airport ~ Mannheim Train Station ~

She must have been 60. He carried her luggage in and found a seat for her by the window. A quick kiss. Then he went out and stood on the platform close by her window, waiting. The train pulled out but she didn't wave because she was so busy storing her bags.

Across the Ocean ~

Today I'm all tickled about flying home to Pittsburgh for a wedding. My nephew is getting married!

Recital for Baby Elias ~

As I was playing the piano this morning I was thinking that the next time the little fellow comes I'm gonna' pull his crib right up close to the piano and play those Bach chorals and variations I was just playing. Those pure sounds he has got to hear, to remind him of where he came from.

Excerpt from Tamara's Letter ~

Thank you Charles for your letter. What could be more meaningful for a creator than what you have said to me.

I was never thinking about lecturing because I never wanted to talk about the subject. All that I am thankful for is to have the ability to transfer it the way I do.

About the recognition, it may be as my granddaughter once told me, 'people are going to recognize you after your death'. So maybe she is right and if my stories and my creation are strong enough, this is going to be sufficient to transfer a view of this tragic event in history in the twentieth century which was experienced by me.


I have started to work these days on the addresses you gave to me. I hope to have some positive response.

Thank you again. No words can express my gratitude.
Tamara

The Chimney Swifts Have Left Us ~

They came in June and made a summer of astounding aerial acrobatics for us. As if they were writing in the sky. Were they trying to say something? Was I too busy contemplating less worthy things?

In Your Hands ~

Elias Benedict

Eight weeks old.

Where is God? ~

I can still hear the old monk saying: if you love God you will see him everywhere -- in the people around you and in all of nature.

A Compliment ~

There were two one-year-olds in the waiting room at the doctor's this morning. Their mothers had to wait a full two hours. The children played on the floor the whole time. The one wimpered quietly and wanted to go home, the other tried to humor him by playing with the balls on an incline plane or by setting up blocks. They got along nicely and the patient young mothers had a chance to try out all their newly-learned motherly competencies, in public -- and looked on with pride.

Choral Workshop ~

One wonderful week of singing, mornings and afternoons with a random group of men and women interested in voice training and choral performance. Gave two concerts at the end. Having to part last night was heartbreaking.

There is something about working in a group that gives you the feeling that you can do what is required. It is so much easier than when one has to do it alone. . . but then there was that tiny nagging need for recognition, that little sign of approval.

Friendship ~

Today I get news that an old friend of mine, and choir director and organist at our church back home has been arrested and put it jail for having touched a sixteen year old music student of his in an inappropriate manner on two occasions following the lessons. He also is said to have furnished alcohol to the teenager.

Mental Images ~

I can still hear the wise old monk saying: Consider that things are often better in the imagination than they are in reality.

Fighting Insufficiency ~

It cannot be: that he who formulates a prayer better than the other is more worthy of being heard.

In this Valley of Tears ~

The insight of the old monks stands: It is the suffering, that we are bound to bear, that keeps us turning to God.

Getting God's Attention ~

Knowing our selfishness [it was given to us by Him, our Creator], I think that God must be pleasantly moved when any one of his creatures breaks out of oneself for just a moment and sends up a word of thanks to Him — for life and what we see in other people and nature all around us.

Mail from Tamara ~

Dear Charles,
I am listening to your advice and creating a lot and refreshing the knowledge of my soul. I feel more and more lately that in my painting there are actually souls - soul conversations, agreements, disagreements, stories - sad or happy. So maybe I am bringing the souls in my paintings back to life. Do you think that it is possible?

I wrote two new poems (of a sort) and one which is on my site but I had it re-translated. I would be very honored if you would read them.

About the other sites you gave to me, these days I am going to try to have some answers.

I hope that you are okay. and that your creations are flowing through you and it will not take a long time before I will have the opportunity to read them.

Thank you again for everything.
Tamara

Experiencing Loss ~ Soccer Championship ~

There was a picture in the newspaper this morning of a young boy in Hamburg with the German colors wrapped around his shoulders walking along the sidewalk with his head down and the caption read: Insurmountable Katzenjammer. I have heard some people who ridicule these fans who just can't seem to get over a loss. I feel for them. They'll pull out of it eventually. Just give them time. Besides that, maybe it's not bad to get some practice at experiencing loss. There are other insurmountable losses coming. Like when you lose your son in Iraq or a child drowns in the pool.

World Cup 2006 ~ Soccer

They have been three weeks the likes of which I have never experienced in all my time in Germany, some 40 years now. It was soccer that had brought a nation together again: in a common dream, a common hope, a common aspiration, that 11 men gave their all to bring about. And something as trivial as football had brought about that miracle. They had even brought out the flags again that they had only hesitatingly used for official ceremonies for the last 60 years. We were all caught up in the color and the gaiety.

Last evening, in the last 2 minutes of the match, Germany lost. Quietly now, with watery eyes, people are trying to get back to a normal Wednesday.

An End to Arrogance ~

America is functioning again: When a court of law can rebuke the President and say that even he must obey the laws of the land.

Face of the Newly Born ~

There is no end to looking — We look and look at a baby's face and can never get enough. What is it that we see? Is it something virginal, unspotted, something beautiful that was ours that we have lost and are seeing there again for a limited time, knowing that it will soon disappear?

Solemnity in the Streets ~

It was truly magnificent! Feast of Corpus Christi in our village in Germany. 60 altar girls/boys, 30 choir members, 35 musicians of the brass band, grown ups and children in the local costume, 30 members of the fire brigade in dress uniform. The priest under the canopy with the monstrance, men carrying church banners, all marching slowly through the streets to stop at three different altars for the blessing with the Eucharist. What deeply impressed me was the atmosphere of awe and the many people along the way who would go down on their knee or bless themselves as the monstrance passed by.

The Soul's Desire ~

The advice of the wise old monks stands: Avoid the things of the world, do not let them divert you from the one important thing, Him, for whom your soul longs.

Voices from on High ~

I look up into the blue but can't catch sight of the lark singing all those glissandos to thank You for a perfect Sunday morning.

David ~ With Sword and Harp ~

The story about Saul and David [1 Kings 16 ff] reads like a drama script. Been reading only one or two paragraphs a day, but the suspense keeps mounting. There are lessons we can learn from this David!

Should Little Things Hurt So Much? ~

That sinking feeling I had yesterday when I saw that the zinnia and calendula I had planted and had been nursing along since sowing the seeds in April were gone. The snails had visited overnight and had destroyed most of the batch.

Good to See You Again ~

The chimney swifts are here again and they are having a great time this morning flitting and darting in the light breeze.

Out in the Fields ~

It was on a hillside, a beautiful long meadow where the wild orchids were in full bloom. Our group admired them at the side of the path and then ventured into the fields deeper to get pictures and get a close view. An expert told us about the many varieties and the dangers from pesticides and acids. You felt as if they were now yours if you were able to identify them and name them.

I felt the elusiveness of the beauty of flowers. It is for us to see, to enjoy, but their beauty remains apart from us. It belongs to God alone, and He is beyond all possession.

Thank You ~

How thoughtful of you, Cheryl, Pia and Bob to send me your congratulations and well-wishes. The never-expected surely does enliven. As a grandfather you made me feel right chipper again. Thank you for your kind words. Charles